yeah

So basically, I am home alone and have been all day. Nothing to do but homework so of course I'm going to avoid that shit.

A confession:

I am getting sick of trying to hide how much fun I am not having here in Napa. Last night is a good example. There were endless things to do. But did we do any of them? No. We were in the studio until 11 when we could have been done by 7 or sooner and gone to a show and a party. But no, we sat and talked to Dan the studio man and his lovely wife crystal about weird/funny stories and porn. I know that networking is important and all when your in a band, but this has happened so many times now its starting to take a tole on me. I don't feel like I am living up to the fun i could be having. But, truth be told, I can't stray from Andy and have fun with other friends because they are mostly guys, and we all know what Sonya would do in a situation like that. Absolutely nothing. But god forbid something might happen and our relationship would be ruined. Same goes for raves. You know how many raves I could be going to? a lot. every weekend. But can I do that? Nope. Because something baaaaaaad might happen. So I wanna go to trippendicular. its in OCTOBER. I havnt been to a rave since JULY. Andy knows I want to go. but will he let me? I'm guessing no. This is exactly whats going to happen: I will bring it up every so once in a while and he will make off handed comments about how he doesnt want me to go. then when it will really come down to crunch time, he will make an ultamatum. I swear he is going to that.
Who am I kidding? I love Andy. I shouldnt complain too much, right?
I'm such a fool.

And now I have the wonderful choice of going to a party in weswood hills tonight. Maybe I should just go get drunk in the hills for some artificial happiness. How depressing.


TodayI wantched 2 movies: Stay and Mad Love
They were both pretty cool. Stay is hella post-modern. So much that there isnt really a defined conclusion. I like movies like that. I mostly like them because I know that most people hate them.
People who are not content to live in the dark once in a while need too much reality to be considered interesting in my book. I wonder if anyone else feels that way?
I always do that. Think something which defines me and my conviction and wonder if anyone else is the same. I guess it stems from that innate human desire to fit in with society, right?
I suppose I am feeling open today. or maybe I am just realizing that no one is really reading this so i dont give a fuck how open and honest I am. Everyone needs to spit on their fear of judgemnt once in a while. How will we ever know who we truly are otherwise?

Namaste